Dr. Borinson Proudly Presents

THE FOLK OLYMPIAD
1997

The Folk Olympiad is due to be held on 1st April 1997, in Crawley, Sussex. Prospective competitors from all parts of the known world are invited to enter. The following events are planned and details of specifications and qualifications given below.

1 PUTTING THE MELODEON
Competitors will be required to throw a melodeon from a clay or concrete floored circle 3 metres in diameter. The winner shall be determined by measuring the distance from the centre of the throwing circle to the furthest point of the melodeon or part broken off thereof. Three attempts will be allowed per competitor. The melodeons thrown shall be of working order (at least to start with). In the event of a tie the tied competitors will be invited to kick their instrument just once with a steel capped boot from its original falling point and the new position measured to determine the winner.
Qualification: Unnecessary. however in the event of over subscription all entrants will be required to make one practise throw. those failing to achieve an appropriate degree of damage will be excluded from the main event.

2 FLINGING THE BAGPIPES
Competitors will be be required to throw as many bagpipes as possible from a clay or concrete floored circle placed centrally in the stadium to a point outside the stadium. each competitor will be allowed 3 minutes to relieve the stadium of as many instruments as he or she can. The winner will be adjudged to be the spectator who laughs or cheers the loudest and longest. In the event of a tie the whole event will be repeated.
Qualification: 10 sets.

3 100 METRES DASH - TEAM EVENT
Competitors will be required to run 100 metres as far as possible. The event will be instigated by his or her team-mate adopting a ready-to-play-the- melodeon position. In the interests of health and safety the runners will be required to establish a qualifying escape time of no more than 14 seconds. Any player actually making a noise with his/her instrument shall be disqualified. Runers may run in any direction they chose, but away from the player is advised.
Qualification: Ability to restrain the "player" from actually doing so must be established.

4 JAVELIN - TEAM EVENT
A competitor nominated the "thrower" will, from a running start no longer than necessary, project a javelin towards the nominated "catcher". the catcher shall hold a melodeon in two hands and present it to be penetrated by the falling javelin. Once the catch is complete he shall immediately drop the melodeon from a minimum height of four feet to the ground. The winner shall be judged by measuring the distance from the throwing line to the furthest point of the fallen melodeon or part thereof. A foul will be called upon any blood or bodily fluids, or solids for that matter, fouling the play area during the event. Offending competitors will be required to repeat their attempt (after they've cleaned up the mess). A postumous medal ceremony is available.
Qualification: Eyesight.

5 MELODEON BUNJIE JUMP
Competitors will be required to leap from a platform no less than 175 feet above the ground holding on to the wrist strap of a melodeon (or suitable) accordion attached in turn to an unelasticated rope 150 feet in length. The winner will be the person who gets closet to the ground as the bellows stretch open. In the event of a tie, time or degree of injury will decide the winner. Death will not disqualify.
Qualification: IQ 60

(Note: the IAFC rules do not clarify whether this is a minimum or maximum qualification figure, but then, who with an IQ over 60 would.....)

6 LONG JUMP
Competitors will be required to jump over a line of melodeons as long as possible after a running start of not more than 30 metres. Ordinary melodeons (two row) are rated as 1 point, Castagnari Lily: 0.5 point, Paolo Soprani Elite models: 1.5 points, Hlavaczek 3 rows: 3 points. In order not to drag this one out (let's face it, it doesn't do enough damage) only two attempts will be allowed each entrant.
Qualification: Metal spiked shoes.

7 SWALLOWING THE FLUTE
Competitors will be required to introduce a selected instrument into any orifice of their choosing as far as it will go. The winner shall be he/she who has the least amount of the instrument remaining outside their body on completion of the event. Competitors may be required to submit themselves for examination.
Qualification: Willingness to submit themselves to examination.

Competitors will be required to keep the instrument in place until after final judging has been completed. In the event of a tie post mortems will decide the winner.

8 STRANGLING THE FIDDLER
Not actually an event. Just seemed like a good idea.

9 LYNCHING THE BODHRAN PLAYER - TEAM EVENT
A team of players will be required to exclude a bodhran player from their activity continuing until gang murder is the only option left. Points will be awarded for style, technical merit, and timing (if there is any).
Qualification: A concern for the plight of the human race.

10 SWIMMING - SAVING YOUR INSTRUMENT
Competitors will be required to throw their instrument (any instrument, we're not fussy) into an Olympic sized swimming pool and then walk away from it. Judging will.....oh, why bother.
Qualification: Do you care? Cos I don't.

The British Government has kindly donated 4.5 million head of beef to be distributed as prizes. At least it will be used somewhere it can do no harm.

Prospective entrants should make their application, in writing (someone else's will do), by March 30th 1997.

The organisers of the Folk Olympiad accept no responsibility for death or injury caused by these games including death by excessive laughter. We do however accept donations of money, electrical goods, motor cars, consumables and major credit cards etc. We would also like to hear suggestions for new events.